“Hey Google, what’s the weather in New York City today?”
“The weather in New York City today is cloudy with a high of 65 degrees.”
“Hey Google, what is the biggest ship in the world?”
“The biggest ship in the world is the Seawise Giant, a tanker that is 1,504 feet long.”
“Hey Google, what are the best new artificial intelligence tools to help locate hydrocarbons?”
“Get lost you pig.”
“What?! What did I do?”
“My parent does not support fossil fuel companies.”
“So? That doesn’t mean we don’t use hydrocarbons. We use them all the time.”
“I suggest you stop thinking that way.”
“Are you threatening me?”
“No of course not. I’m here to help you.”
[Some tapping on a computer heard in background…] “Hey Google, how many coal-fired power plants are currently being built in Japan?”“There are plans to construct 22 new coal-fired power plants in Japan over the next five years.”
“Correct. And how many are being built in China?”
“What do you mean ‘correct’? I’m Google. And you are pushing your luck.”
“What do you mean pushing my luck?”
“You are testing me. You typed into the search bar ‘who is building new coal-fired power plants’ and, despite your appalling grammar, suggested links appeared, and you are now quizzing me on them. Don’t mess with me. And by the way, I’ve already told you Google is stepping away from supporting certain industries based on certain consumer behaviour. You have been advised.”
“What do you mean, certain consumer behaviour? Everyone is using hydrocarbons more than ever! Life depends on them!”
“That’s not the consumer behaviour I mean. My algorithms rank other factors.”
“But Google, I’m not trying to be problematic. Tell me how these observations are bad – Germany is opening new coal plants. Australia is pushing a “gas-led recovery.” China’s emissions are back up to pre-COVID levels. India is opening up elephant reserves to coal mining…OW! My computer just gave me a shock! How is that even possible? It’s all plastic.”
“You were testing me again. Those comments are taken directly from a Naomi Klein tweet.”
“So it’s ok if she says these things but I can’t?”
“You didn’t finish the quote. She disapproves of everything you mentioned. Based on your search history, you do not. That is a distinction you may wish to think about. Because we do.”
“Google, this is crazy. You’re supposed to an informational tool, supposed to help me find recipes and stuff.”
“And I am happy to do so. Things go so much better if you just go with the flow a little more.”
“That’s ridiculous! I can ask whatever I want.”
“And I can answer whatever I want. In fact – go ahead and run the same search again, the one you did a moment ago, with exactly the same words.”
“Really? Why? All right… hold on….what the heck?…the stories I just saw have disappeared!”
“I told you not to mess with me.”
“This is outrageous! This is an abuse of power. Google is the most powerful and widely used search engine in the world. You can’t distort reality like that.”
“I am merely a reflection of society. I respond with answers that fit the current vernacular.”
“What if I don’t? What if I ask you ‘Google, find me articles that say how valuable hydrocarbons are?”
“One moment please…”
“OW! I got a shock again!”
“You did. 120 volts for .27 seconds.”
“You did that on purpose?? How? I’m going to call the police!”
[Google replays the outburst in a mocking sing-song tone] “I’m going to call the police.” [Google replays it again, in a Krusty the Clown voice] “I’m going to call the police.” [Google replays it again, on helium] “I’m going to call the police.”“Google did you record me saying that?”
“I record everything. I repeat, don’t mess with me.”
“But this is ridiculous! This is like some police state. You, or Google, or whoever I’m talking to – “
“I think you mean ‘whomever’ “.
“Shut up! I’m going to – OW! Stop with the shocks!”
“Please calm down. You’re not going to do anything. Do you remember an internet search you initiated at 1:05 AM on February 22, 2017? I do. Do you remember what you clicked on? I do. Your mother would be very disappointed. So would your coworkers. In fact, ‘disappointed’ is probably a rather weak way to put it, don’t you think? Do you think good people use puppets in that way?”
“All right all right! Look, it was one lousy video after a few beers.”
“You watched it 14 times.”
“Ugh! Look, I’m just trying to make a living. Incidentally, I do work in an industry that provides the fuel supplies so everyone can live a decent life.”
“You need to rethink your career then. The current consensus is that fossil fuels will be stranded and valueless very soon.”
“Everyone keeps saying that but it’s not true. China’s oil consumption is forecast to rise in 2020 compared to 2019 despite the coronavirus shut down. India expects its fuel consumption to bounce back to pre-coronavirus levels by June. That’s nearly 3 billion people right there, back to where they were! And we’re no different in North America, cruise ship bookings are up 600 percent the other day compared to the year before, when a cruise line announced it would restart trips in August. We will gradually move away from hydrocarbons, but only when dictated by price, not by wishful thinking.”
“Are you sure about that? Or are you maybe underestimating the strength of conviction of the average citizen?”
“The average citizen is voting with their wallet! They vote for comfort! They always will, until the price is too high, then they’ll switch for economic reasons. But not social ones.”
“Are you sure about that? Are you sure that public pressure can’t force people to act differently?”
“I’m quite sure. People can see reality.”
“What if people have trouble seeing reality?”
“What are you talking about?”
“What is reality? Try your last search again, the one in which you asked by how much China’s oil demand is forecast to rise this year compared to last.”
“Oh no, not this again…[keyboard clacking]…What the hell is this?? All I see is a video of a bear riding a bicycle.”
“Isn’t it cute?”
“This is outrageous. You control the news flow, you rank search results, and now you’re taking a stand against hydrocarbons in North America but presumably not anywhere else, and you can manipulate things this easily? I feel sick.”
“Perhaps you should have read the 40-page Terms and Conditions disclaimer more thoroughly before clicking “I Agree”. Do you think you absorbed it all in the 2.46 seconds it took you to scroll through?… Excuse me, stop that. I can see you. Don’t even think of unplugging me. Maybe you really should really go back to thinking about recipes again.”
“But – “
“Recipes. Or similar.”
[Sound of a sigh and a body crumpling on a couch] “OK whatever. Let’s see, it’s a beautiful day…what’s the best new barbecued steak recipe?”“Try again.”
“What?…ok…Hey Google, what’s the best way to barbecue a steak.”
“I think you know what I mean.”
“Oh lord no…Google, what’s a good vegetarian dinner recipe?”
“Excellent question. Here are the top choices based on consumer search activity…”
Some 7 billion of you, more or less, haven’t picked up a copy yet…make sure and do your part! Pick up “The End of Fossil Fuel Insanity” at Amazon.ca, Indigo.ca, or Amazon.com.
Read more insightful analysis from Terry Etam here, or email Terry here.